Family Planning

My grandmother kept her legs clenched while sweeping. She did not believe in science, but she believed in the possibility of air-borne sperm. And who can be blamed for their beliefs? She was Catholic, but found the rhythm method unacceptable, waiting into the night for the right-tempo song to come on the radio. After five children she began using things around the kitchen as IUDs, common household utensils which would not be missed. Bent spoons and salt shaker bottoms disappeared through her cervix, never to be seen again. They were absorbed, integrated into her internal genitalia. She installed a new one every two years. Tea figurines illustrating famous nursery rhymes. The coroner paled.